workzine

Jerred Jolin, 12/19/2011

Current Occupation: Intake/Assessment Coordinator for a company that provides vocational-related services to individuals with a variety of intellectual deficits and developmental delays

Former Occupation: Clinical Assistant for a compay that provides early intervention services to children with Autism.

Contact Information: A writer by night, between the hours of 9-5 Jerred works supporting individuals with special needs. On any given day he might be found at Walgreens completing a vocational assessment or learning the ins and outs of selling flirty flats in the Kohls shoe department alongside a young man with Asperger’s Syndrome. He resides in Oakland, Ca., holds a Master’s Degree in Human Science and has been interested in writing poetry, fiction, and creative non-fiction since around 2005, the year he completed an undergraduate degree in armchair anthropology. His writing has appeared in Challenger International and he currently has forthcoming publications in The Binnacle, Chest, The Ultimate Writer, Conceit Magazine, and Amulet. He has managed to survive 31 years on this Earthplanet.

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Emoluments

Curious, are you, about what it’s like behind the wheel of a Swedish luxury sedan for 2-3 hours each day fully embedded in the Bay Area commuter cluster fuck more part of the problem than a solution? Why would a sane individual willingly subject oneself to the physiological-altering stimuli concomitant to being stuck in a large mass of slow moving vehicles all wishing they could go fast who think that the reason they’re not going fast is because of all the other stupid drivers on the road getting into accidents and, if not that, then just driving in ways that are generally erratic? How does one cope with the reality that is 1/12 to 1/8 of a day devoted to driving and crossing bridges that may or may not withstand the seismic waves of the impending ‘next big one,’ all this toward the end of devoting nine hours to a desk + unfulfilling massage chair, computer screen, and no shortage of difficult individuals calling with a host of annoying complaints and/or excuses that must be taken seriously and acted upon based on codes of procedure and protocol?

To what length will one go pursuant of emolument?

It’s……learning from a coworker—and then experiencing it yourself—that the scent concomitant to the receptionist’s menses period is perceptible to the human olfactory system in a serious kind of way and that it has already been necessary to have a talking to her about it—one occasion being so obvious both in terms of olfactory perception and visible, flow-deterrent breach, that a trip home to change was required.

It’s…….realizing the recently hired Behavioral Therapist for the South Bay region just doesn’t seem to understand the most basic concepts of following a schedule—this void in her faculties for common sense being most apparent with respect to on-time arrival—and who is then attitudinal when confronted about these violations

Emoluments?

And now, for the purpose of context, to really establish the mis en scene of this workplace, to really bring you into the world of an early intervention classroom intended to facilitate the development of speech, language, and appropriate 1.5-3 year old child deportment, I have transcribed below an authentic greeting/good-bye circle time cycle (fill-in the blank as you see fit):

“Heeeeeeellloooo _________. Heeeeeeellloooo _________. Heeeeeeellloooo ________, it’s nice to have you here!’

“Goooooood byeeeee _______. Goooooood byeeeee _______. Goooooood byeeeee _______, it’s time to say bye bye!”

When engaging in clandestine work writing it is imperative that one take certain precautions as it isn’t always the case that higher-ups will look favorably upon an employee using on-the-clock time for the purpose of creative production that is not in line with said company’s growth and/or the expansion of its general sphere of influence. But when the tar starts to bubbling the well should be tapped! The pressure should be released and the stuff should be left to flood wherever it may. Generally, the instigation of this state of percolation is beyond the realm of conscious human control and were it simply dammed, back into the tar pit the words would recede, down into the depths along so many other forgotten creations….But to get back at the matter at hand: one must devise clever subterfuges if success is to be met with during clandestine work writing. Perhaps the most obvious—and remarkably effective—tactic is to mask one’s creative expression in the guise of email—particularly if it is the case that managing these electronic communications requires many hours of the workday. A benefit here—specifically if is the case that one shares a confined work space with two other individuals—is that persons entering will tend not to peruse the contents of partially composed messages visible on screens what with the whole ‘respecting of privacy’ movement that has rooted firmly in nearly every occupational sector except pornography. But beware of the temptation to send for then they’ve got you as those above the glass ceiling may access employee electronic mail accounts at their leisure

–it should be noted here that shortly after the composition of the current passage, an employee who will remain nameless here sent an inquiry to the administrative staff in which she expressed suspicions of a successful, email-privacy compromising (her evidence being the presence of two ‘read’ messages amidst a large number of yet to be opened ones that had arrived while she was in the field—said read messages, according to her testament, not having been perused by her. This is not clandestine)—m eaning that, if suspected of clandestine work writing, mine could be infiltrated to expose the true nature of my spent company time.

Mundane work doings requiring partial shifts of attention are enfeebling. For example, effective November 6, 2009, a recently hired employee will be quitting and what this does is set into motion the recruiting machine, a mechanism that is under my control and beckon and that will transform any geek off the streets—provided this geek has the appropriate level of credentialing and experience—into a capable warrior in the battle against autism. This, though, not until the winnowing of the chaff; a painstaking sift through the applicant resume database –the majority of the cock suckers comprising it being unqualified for a position as behavioral therapist—in search of suitable candidates. Which is to suggest that these cock suckers (cock suckers, in this instance and the previous one, referring to those applicants unqualified in one way or another) either:

Chose not to read the job description wherein are articulated the necessary academic and experiential requirements.

Submit resumes anyway in the hopes that somehow their biased expositions of work aptitude (not without such key phrases as):

a.‘Motivated self-starter’

b.‘Synergistic team player’

might dupe some distracted recruiter on the receiving end. It is from such a pool that suitable candidates must be selected, prescreened by telephone, then invited on over for a traditional face-to-face that are always characterized by unique interpretations of what the most appealing ‘potential candidate’ mode of deportment might be. Consider this individual:

I am interested in the: Classroom Assistant, Head Behavioral Therapist, Apprentice Behavioral Therapist, Speech Therapist, and Behavior Manager positions as posted on your online request for suitable candidates.’

Generally when such an individual is applying (‘individual,’ in this instance, referring to those who feel it appropriate to apply for every position the company has to offer, or, to continue with our parlance, ‘cock suckers’) their dearth of relevant experience is so great that even the most ‘entry’ of positions is too advanced. There are children’s lives being shaped in this business—not work for dilettantes. To explore deeper our current example, the area of academic specialization was also disclosed:

B.A. Interdisciplinary studies of Theatre, Environmental Awareness, and Somatics

A flock-shooter is what this candidate is; doesn’t have the patience that is required to hone in on one target with deathly precision, instead just pointing the barrel toward the movement and firing away manically.

–It should be noted here that the very real threats of global warming are currently imposing on our inner administrative sanctum as at approximately 3:15 P.M., during a routine foraging mission into the mini fridge, we became aware of the fact that a large amount of water was present in the unit and in tracing it to its only logical source, learned that the small freezer section had thawed. The horror…….the horror……..

And now here is a collection of accolades that would not be out of place on the Autism whisperer’s resume:

–Achieving excellent results in independent functioning by fading out strong prompts using ABA techniques.

–Increasing frequency of independent peer interactions by encouraging child to respond elaborately to the questions of other children.

–Promoting special friendships with classmates by facilitating peer play and expanded duration of parallel play through positive reinforcement.

–Successfully working with child’s various therapists and teachers to improve pragmatic and expressive language skills, reduced meltdowns by implementing sensory diet, help child meet IEP goals, redirect behaviors and attention.

–Establishing positive relationships with students, parents, teachers, and school administrators/staff in an inclusive environment.

The clandestine work writer shall prevail!! Company time will not impede the oil from gushing forth! The petroleum inhibitors, they are the rightful owners of the fire! Therein they will abide! For the clandestine work writer, a land underneath which rivers flow awaits!

It’s…….the clicking sound that the Hawaiian Breeze air circulation machine makes when the timer runs out—sounding as if it were being transmitted through the computer speakers—and the general commotion next door in the Early Intervention classroom (at this point equal parts Raffi, Classroom Assistant motherese, and speech/language delayed vocal expression) and I, the man at the business end of a one-way mirror, taking in this important neural development while beyond the window the sound of traffic headed roughly west on the boulevard and the clickety-clack of three keyboards in unison, one, who, at this point, has moved well outside normal job protocol.

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  1. […] In New Issues on December 19, 2011 at 12:00 am To what length will one go pursuant of emolument? Jerred Jolin answers. Like this:LikeBe the first to like this post. ▶ No Responses /* 0) { […]

  2. haha! : P

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